A Different Kind of Marriage Counseling
There are three stages of marriage, said Rabbi Stephen Baars, the creator of BLISS, an award-winning marriage and parenting seminar out of the Holy Cross Resource Center in Silver Spring, Md.
The toothpaste stage is the first, where every day decisions and choices, like what kind of toothpaste a couple will share, are made smoothly, he said during the 90-minute presentation.
The Suzuki stage is where couples make similar choices, but are keeping track of who gets what, he said. He named it after an Internet-ad for a used motorcycle up for sale because the man bought it before ‘getting approval from his loving wife.’
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| "You expect it to fulfill all your unmet needs, to be your salvation. It’s so marketed that way," says BLISS founder Stephen Baars. (Image Source: Joe Houghton.) |
“You are going to find yourself. You are going to find the very issues you never dealt with in your life,” Baars said. “Those are the real issues to deal with.”
Baars began presenting the BLISS program, one of his many educational seminars, in 2004. Since February 2009, Baars has been presenting one of the eight sessions every Tuesday at 7:30 p.m.
These sessions cover subjects from marriage and parenting, where he demonstrates how to get beyond the “happily-ever-after” fantasies of marriage to build on skills as parents and partners, to sex and intimacy to a couple’s doubts that include the question, “what if I married the wrong person?”
Regular attendees of the seminar agree that the sessions get them thinking differently about themselves, their spouses and the way they communicate.
One Silver Spring couple, who have been married for three-and-half years, are on their second go-around of the program.
“It makes you think, so you don’t assume. It helps us balance our egos. It shows us what a relationship is and what a spouse should do,” said Tanya Paulay, 28.
“What is the job of a spouse?” asked Baars at the beginning of his presentation. “To make your spouse great,” he said. “Behind every great man and woman, is a great spouse.”
Paulay’s husband, Greg, 48, has been married twice before and the couple has four children–three are from previous marriages. “It would be better for people to take this before marriage," said Greg Paulay.
Some states, including Maryland, encourage premarital preparation-classes for an engaged couple-by reducing marriage license fees for couples who have completed it, said the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center.
Baars said couples come in often when they are about to have a baby to better prepare for the addition or when they are about to get a divorce.
“It gives you things to think about and brings up deep-rooted issues that you might not have been aware of,” said Steve Tannenbaum, 39, who said he and his wife began attending the seminar to help with their relationship and their relationship with their kids.
“People are not happy with their relationships. You expect it to fulfill all your unmet needs–to be your salvation. It’s so marketed that way,” Baars said.
“We are doing this [program] again because we’re going to be doing this [marriage] for the rest of our lives,” said Tanya Paulay, who heard about the program from a friend.
| Baars also provides parenting advice, like in this video, he says, the 'worst mistake' your child can make is not learning from their mistakes. |
“In most relationships, if it is not working, people will just move on,” Baars said. “People want to work on their marriage, though. This is everywhere,” he said. Baars said couples of many ages, ethnicities and religions come to his seminars with about four couples at each session.
Over the last 10 years the amount of divorces granted has remained fairly consistent despite the drop in marriage rates, according the Web site for the National Center for Health Statistics.
In Maryland over the last three years an average of about 990 people got divorced per year, said the site. Divorces in the U.S. totaled 856,000 in 2007, the last year a national count was taken.
“Some of the couples are on their last legs and it really changed them,” said Baars, who said some couples find the seminar shocking.
This program is different from what people expect in a marriage counselor, he said. Instead of talking about the issues the couple has, Baars said, he focuses on the source of the problems.
“People keep calling out, Rabbi, can you help me out with this…By the time I get the issue many people have already given their two cents and I’m left trying to solve all of their problems and it’s too late. That’s why I started doing these,” said Baars, who has more than 20 years experience as a marriage counselor.